I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
