Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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