puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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