doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize