You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize