I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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