why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
