Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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