he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
