fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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