Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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