Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
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