Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
