Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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