my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Sober January is a disaster.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
