oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
