so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
