I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just invented taco cereal.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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