I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
