I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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