The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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