he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
