Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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