i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
