RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
