in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
