I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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