I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize