i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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