Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
