I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
