wanna go halves on a baby?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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