in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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