My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
