nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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