I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
