The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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