No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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