the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
