I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
