I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
