mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
40s are totally the cure
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
