were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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