You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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