he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
