What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
