I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize