More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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