So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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