I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
