My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
