he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
