whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Rumble strips road head = magical
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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