worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
