Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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