I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
