its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
