Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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