The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
