oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
