I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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