Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
