Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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