I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
