I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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